Do you ever look back on your life and wonder
“What was I thinking?”
I have a lot of them. That’s why it’s so easy to answer today’s prompt.
TELL US ABOUT SOMETHING THAT FELT HUGE IN THE MOMENT, BUT LATER TURNED OUT TO BE NOT SUCH A BIG DEAL?
I gotta be honest, I wasn’t the brightest kid. I think back on all the decisions that I thought at the time were huge and important, most of them BAD decisions, and just shudder!
One such decision took me about 5 years to make. And at the time I thought it was huge.
When I was in 10th grade I had a crush on a guy that was four years older, out of high school, and what I thought was a pretty cool guy. He liked someone else but I hung around waiting until he came to his senses and saw who the better choice was (ME!). Now I know some of you know what I’m talking about. The bad boy who you can save from himself and turn him into the prince he’s always meant to be.
(Insert shuddering!)
Some time later, the light bulb went on for him and he knew he wasn’t going to get rid of the needy girl tagging along all the time so we started dating. At first, it was great! The romance was going good. But some of my friends started asking me what I saw in him. Why did I want/need him so much. I didn’t understand why they didn’t see what I saw ~ his potential. The first time he broke up with me, he told me he liked someone else. I thought my world ended! No matter what I did, the pain in my heart wouldn’t go away. I tried to keep busy, I worked two jobs, had great friends, band practices and homework. But, no matter what I did, I couldn’t get him out of my head.
When the “crush” for the other girl didn’t pan out, he came crawling back. Oh boy!! I was so happy! The pain in my heart went away. My life seemed perfect again. All my friends were wrong, right?
The second and third time he broke up with me, I believe it was the same girl that he wanted to chase again. She never showed any interest in him but he chased and left me in the dust. Were my friends right? He came back a few weeks later.
I can’t tell you how many times we did this little dance during my high school years.
Five years later, I’m a sophomore in college far away from this guy I truly believed I could not live without, and he tells me about another girl. What?? By then, everyone thought I was a fool and I couldn’t understand why I needed him so badly.
I decided to come home half way through my sophomore year to see if there was any hope for “us.”
I started going to a college in my hometown, got my two jobs back, and waited for him to come to his senses while my family and friends waited for me to come to mine.
I asked God to help me see the truth. I wanted to get on with my life with or without him.
I remember being at a park with him and sitting on a bench and talking. Somehow, I began looking at him differently. I saw him as a needy little boy instead of the cool/bad guy. I started to see myself as someone better than I had been seeing myself. I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I had been treated. I deserved better.
I told him how I was feeling and for the first time in five years, he was on the hurting end of our relationship.
He wasn’t a bad guy. He just didn’t see my worth as he should have. I didn’t see my worth as I should have.
We never talked again but he did leave roses on my car once. Maybe it was his way of saying goodbye.
Here it is 36 years later and this is probably the first time I’ve really thought of him. At the time it was a gigantic part of my life, and all the decisions I made along the way, good or bad, I thought were life altering but they weren’t. They were small pieces of my journey to my life now. I learned what I needed, what I didn’t need, and I learned that I am in control of how people treat me. I grew up a lot and hopefully became a little stronger, a little smarter.
I had to go through that relationship to find the love of my life (LOML).
Tomorrow’s prompt is “Do you like to do things yourself, or are you good at delegating?”
Happy Monday!
Love y’all,
Linda
