The LOML (Love of My Life) and I just celebrated our thirtieth wedding anniversary.
THIRTY YEARS!!!!!!!!!
I remember our wedding like it was yesterday!
I’ve known my husband over half of my life but yet I can remember the first time I met him, the first time I thought of him as not just a friend, our first kiss, our first fight, our first break-up. You get the picture. Thirty years later I have a lot of wisdom opinions about what has worked and has not worked so well when it comes to staying happily married.
Here we go:
MARRIAGE IS TOUGH
We dated for almost four years before we got married. We knew each other pretty well so there weren’t many surprises when we began living together. The hardest part for us was splitting the time between families (each of our families lived in the same town as us) and having time to ourselves. We had to learn to say no. We’re both people pleasers so it was pretty tough at first.
MARRIAGE IS TEAMWORK
It took me a long time to realize then when we fought, it wasn’t me against him. It was us against whatever problem we were fighting about. It’s sort of like riding in a car together. The car breaks down. Do we fight and blame each other for the car breaking down or do we work together to try and figure out how to fix the car? The broken car is the problem just in case you didn’t catch the analogy. And the old cliche’ ‘Marriage is a 50/50 proposition’ is not really true. There will be time you can’t give 5%. There will be other times when he can’t give 5% for whatever reason. That’s when the other picks up the slack and gives 95%. Which lead to the next opinion:
MARRIAGE IS NOT KEEPING A RECORD
Please don’t keep score. There is no way to remember everything you have or haven’t done for someone and also to remember everything the other person has or hasn’t done for you. Your truth will be different than your spouse’s truth. Just do your best always (or as close to always as you possibly can!). This is one thing that I struggle with. I bring up the past and the LOML doesn’t even remember the incident I’m bringing up so we can’t even have an intelligent conversation about it. Forgive and forget!
MARRIAGE IS COMPROMISE
When we were dating, we talked about what we thought our family would be. The LOML wanted two kids, I wanted four kids. We ended up with six kids. THAT’S COMPROMISE!! My goal should always be (and hopefully one day it always will be) to make the LOML my first priority. His happiness is always important to me. The flip side is the LOML makes me his first priority. My happiness is important to him. We stop thinking about ourselves and put the other person first.
MARRIAGE IS WONDERFUL
We have been through a lot! But I can’t imagine doing any of it without my best friend. We’ve disagreed and worked through it a thousand times, we’ve fought and made up a hundred times, we’ve been through four babies’ births, two adoptions (one pretty tough one!), three puppies, three houses, two apartments, and a townhouse, buying houses, cars, millions of groceries, and he even runs out to buy me my “paper products!”
MARRIAGE IS EXCITING…BUT NOT ALL THE TIME
Sometimes marriage is boring! Thirty years of non-stop excitement would have killed us already! It’s okay to be bored. Then you appreciate the exciting times more.
MARRIAGE IS BIBLICAL
God created marriage. The Bible is full of marriage references. God loves marriage!
“For husbands, this means, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her.” Ephesians 5:25
“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24
MARRIAGE IS SAFE
Marriage should be a place of comfort, safety, love. You should never feel more comfortable at your parents’ house or a friend’s house. You should never feel unsafe in your marriage. You should always feel comfort and love in your marriage. I can share anything with the LOML and feel safe that he won’t judge, ridicule, or talk about it with anyone else (and vice versa).
MARRIAGE IS WORK!
Depending on your “Love Language”, romance and thoughtfulness may not come naturally to some of us. My love language is words of affirmation. Words do not come naturally to the LOML. He thinks if he said them when we first got married, I should know how he feels. OH NO!! The LOML’s love language is acts of service. He thinks doing the dishes and fixing things around the house should be somehow romantic. NOPE! Marriage is all about figuring out what your spouse needs. And if you don’t think your love language is being filled, talk about it. Communication (which is difficult for some) is so important. I am the queen of filling in the gaps. If it’s not said, I’ll make up something to replace the silence. And I’ve learned that what I make up in my head is far from the truth. Marriage is doing what you’re uncomfortable doing for your spouse’s happiness.
MARRIAGE IS FOREVER!!
There have been times when our marriage has been so bad, I’ve wanted to run away. I’ve wanted to end it and start all over with a better person. Someone who would understand me better, give me whatever I wanted, kowtow to my every whim. Then I realize that person does not exist except in my own crazy head! The LOML is imperfect, I am imperfect. Everyone is imperfect. What we need to do is be imperfect together. Help, love, support, forgive, teach, learn, and work everything out. Stay put and work out the problems….TOGETHER.
Next month, the LOML and I are renewing our vows at a beach house in NC with our 6 children and two puppies.
I’ve been planning for awhile and cannot wait to share the special time with y’all!
Stay tuned!
Love y’all,
Linda
